Happy Year’s End everyone!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been another fun-filled one at the Casa de Leche and it seems it should be recapped in some fashion so we can truly appreciate it. Now I\u2019ve been very busy <\/span>shaking poop<\/b> and did not have time to do something as intricate as last year. It may turn out lame, but I had to do SOMETHING.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cBut Ryan,\u201d you all say, \u201cyou\u2019re months behind on reading writing entries. You didn\u2019t follow Big Brother at all. You didn\u2019t play in most of the Werewolf games. You\u2019re a hack of a writer. What makes you think you\u2019re qualified to do a rundown of this year’s events at the CdL?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Well, I\u2019m not. That\u2019s why you all helped to recap for me. You may have already figured it out, but those words I requested weren\u2019t for the upcoming Cutthroat Junction gameshow. Let\u2019s do this Mad Libs style!<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n The year began with Sarah \u201c<\/span>Cassowary Appendix<\/b>\u201d Johnson, now wife of John \u201c<\/span>Emu Gluteus<\/b>\u201d Wreisner, winning her second Play with the Prose title over Ian Pratt. It was a grueling season of all Fiction <\/span>58<\/b>s, with themes like \u201c<\/span>Tattoo an Illusionist<\/b>\u201d, \u201c<\/span>Tumultuous Dinosaur Nougat<\/b>\u201d, and \u201c<\/span>Lactating Apples<\/b>\u201d. Let\u2019s ask the champion what her favorite submission was and just where the hell my brownies are at. Sarah?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s hard to choose a favorite, but probably the one that was set in a <\/span>St. Louis<\/b> with <\/span>Noxious Limnologists<\/b>. About the brownies…I did make them and it made sense to give them to you, but I gave them to Brooks instead as I felt he deserved them as he was there from the moment I picked up the ingredients at the grocery store.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I understand. Moving on. Also carrying over from 2012, the year of the Novak, was Survivor All-Stars. We had Sausage Fest and Nefarious Porpoises; two teams riddled with talent and <\/span>chlamydia<\/b>. Such intriguing names. Were these the first team names you came up with? You don\u2019t need to raise your hand, go ahead. What\u2019s that? Don\u2019t be shy, Rusty, you have the floor, speak up.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWell, first someone suggested The <\/span>Delightful Otters<\/b>, then another teammate thought <\/span>Bastille Rectifies Hearts<\/b> would be perfect, but I told them no. I am a <\/span>glowing<\/b> fellow and found them to be quite <\/span>effervescent<\/b> for my tastes. Thank you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Interesting. Not as interesting as two of the most <\/span>interesting<\/b> Survivors being eliminated first. What\u2019s up with that?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cTotal Duck-billed Platypus tears<\/b> if you ask me. Just because a guy is so cunning he can talk you into moistening<\/b> your brother-in-law<\/b> with a dinosaur<\/b> if he wanted, that\u2019s a reason not to trust him again?\u201d<\/p>\n Uh, thanks, Novak. What about you, Geoff?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s cool. It\u2019s just a game. Any one of them know I could <\/span>jump<\/b> their <\/span>toes<\/b> raw whenever I wanted to. In the game. In the game. I was speaking figuratively.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Of course. There were several interesting strategic games in this edition, but none more entertaining than \u201c<\/span>Elephants<\/b> on a <\/span>Dirigible<\/b>\u201d and \u201c<\/span>George Clooney<\/b>\u2019s Exploding <\/span>Maple Syrup<\/b>\u201d. And what about that finale with The <\/span>Norwegian<\/b> Standoff when the eventual champion Andy Rustleund <\/span>contemptuously<\/b> spoke those words we\u2019ll never forget while gunning down Jason Harber… \u201cGo ahead, <\/span>poop<\/b> my <\/span>tocsin<\/b>\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n A new game was introduced to CdL by our resident puzzle master Matthew Gilman called \u201c<\/span>Mealy<\/b> Thinking\u201d. These were quite challenging, and it\u2019s no wonder as the man has an insane IQ of <\/span>a googol<\/b>, a number only exceeded by the number of <\/span>ligers<\/b> he\u2019s \u201cstuffed\u201d. Let\u2019s get a sample of one of these puzzles.<\/span><\/p>\n A man is in bed for the night. He\u2019s <\/i>feeble<\/i><\/b>, but he\u2019s too disturbed to <\/i>chastise<\/i><\/b>. Soon, he gets up and calls a phone number he\u2019s never dialed before. As soon as someone picks up and says \u201c<\/i>Jesus wept<\/i><\/b>,\u201d he hangs up. He then goes back to bed and <\/i>chastises<\/i><\/b> immediately, not <\/i>slapping<\/i><\/b> until the next morning.<\/i><\/p>\n We are still all not sure why the correct answer was, \u201cHe was a <\/span>minister<\/b> who sold <\/span>hammer<\/b> insurance on the side\u201d, but that\u2019s why Gilman is the genius.<\/span><\/p>\n Possibly the biggest draw of the entire year was the CdLWF\u2019s Royal Rumble. This event pulled in CdLers from all points in its <\/span>sanctimonious<\/b> history, even my mother who hasn\u2019t wrestled since <\/span>1982<\/b> when she went by the moniker of <\/span>Colleen<\/b> the <\/span>Verbose Telly Monster<\/b>. Round after round resulted in broken <\/span>elbows<\/b>, twisted <\/span>pituitary glands<\/b> and just an overall <\/span>regrettable<\/b> mess. Eventually one mighty soul was left standing, <\/span>Ron Lyle Commissioner Goofypants<\/b>, who we all know outside the ring as Greg Johnson.<\/span><\/p>\n There were several more iterations of Werewolf run this year, a couple of them Casa de Leche themed. We all enjoy the silliness of these games, especially when there are one day afflictions where you must act like somebody else. I think I speak for everyone when I say the best was easily Will\u2019s impersonation of <\/span>TDO<\/b> when he talked with a <\/span>Tanzanian<\/b> accent and ranted on and on about <\/span>prostate cancer<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n Another common theme among the werewolf games was that Melissa David was just about always a wolf. It was quite obvious though, as she didn\u2019t read the directions and thought she could <\/span>shake<\/b> villagers during the day and <\/span>overcome<\/b> them at night, all the while goading them with phrases like, \u201cDoh! I\u2019m an <\/span>orange<\/b> wolf and I\u2019m going to <\/span>resist<\/b> you until there\u2019s nothing left of you but your <\/span>brow<\/b>!\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n Another first at CdL was Big Brother run by our <\/span>boiling<\/b> mod, Dan Kautz. As I\u2019ve said, I didn\u2019t follow any of this so we\u2019ll just let the champion, Brooks \u201cGone with the Blimp\u201d Maki tell us a little bit about it. Brooks?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cHey, Adobe. It was pretty much like the actual show, only someone much <\/span>steamier<\/b> like me was running things. I formed a strong secret alliance early on, which we called The <\/span>Seventeen Razorback<\/b>men of the <\/span>Kentucky Derby<\/b>. I also had a couple of showmances with <\/span>Melissa<\/b> and <\/span>Annette<\/b> who were <\/span>alternative<\/b> in bed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Wasn\u2019t your wife upset with you for that?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cNah. It was all just part of the game. Besides, she understands a man as gorgeous as myself can\u2019t be tied down to just <\/span>eleven<\/b> women. Anyhoo, the key point in the game came when I won the last HoH by <\/span>memorizing salty statements<\/b> while running around in a <\/span>sexy spider<\/b> suit for <\/span>3.14<\/b> hours straight. That was crazy! It was a fun competition, although I\u2019m very glad I don\u2019t have to eat <\/span>sea cucumber<\/b>butter sandwiches for weeks on end anymore. Disgusting stuff.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Thank you for the recap, Brooks.<\/span><\/p>\n Our <\/span>obstinate<\/b> CdL moderator, Kelly, took to the mike this year, broadcasting numerous podcasts. If you missed these <\/span>bland<\/b> interviews, be sure to check out the one with <\/span>bhiggum<\/b>, who confessed he likes to <\/span>sleep<\/b> to <\/span>The Mr. T Experience<\/b> while playing. Kelly didn\u2019t just give interviews, he even was interviewed himself. We found out he likes to rap and goes by the stage name of <\/span>Swanky Muskrat<\/b> while hitting the clubs. What was really shocking was when he told us he had been secretly accepting <\/span>fringe benefits<\/b> as bribes in return for judging favors all these years.<\/span><\/p>\n A third Play with the Prose was run, with the <\/span>troublesome<\/b> Colin Wooston claiming the title. I\u2019ve been touched by several of his stories in the past, but his finale entry about a funeral for <\/span>two hippopotamuses<\/b> that died while trying to <\/span>spill<\/b> a <\/span>ballast<\/b> made me totally lose it. So sad.<\/span><\/p>\n Survivor XIII was the first writing version in a long while and boy…make that girl, was it a good one. With challenges like \u201cChoose Your Own <\/span>Fern<\/b>\u201d, \u201c<\/span>Suck\/Blow<\/b>\u201d and \u201cMachine of <\/span>Marshall<\/b>\u201d how could it not produce some excellent entries. What really made it great, was that rather than the typical sausage fest, we had an all girl top 6 of Melissa Diamond, Sarah Wreisner, Margaret Martin, Shawn Ashley, Sarah Bizek, and Bret Highum.<\/span><\/p>\n How did it feel to win Survivor XIII, Beezy?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cFirst of all, I felt honored to have won it against a competitor as <\/span>Wondrous<\/b> as Shawn Ashley. She\u2019s always been a <\/span>claustrophobic<\/b> friend and she gives the greatest <\/span>roundhouse kicks<\/b> to boot. I felt <\/span>perturbed<\/b>. I always believed in myself, it\u2019s just none of the <\/span>FUCKWAD FUNGDARK PERFUNCTORY WRENCH BLOODY<\/b> rest of yous have ever believed in me! Ahem. I meant it was a blast.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Thanks, Sarah.<\/span><\/p>\n The CdL Hall of Fame was erected this year, where all honorees have their image enshrined in a bust made out of <\/span>Naan<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n Not everything exciting that happened this year was game related. We have had a number of births in the CdL family. My brother, Beau and his wife Lois Lane gave birth to my cute little nephew, Henry. Christina Pepper had a baby boy too. Care to tell us about it, Christina?<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cHe is vacuous<\/b>, Hmmm, thanks, Christina. The Wreisners also brought forth their spawn into the world. Word is the kid has already dictated <\/span>3.14159<\/b> stories to mommy about a <\/span>janitor<\/b> who <\/span>yodels propellers<\/b>. It wasn\u2019t just people we gave birth to around here. There was the birth of Cutthroat Junction, which kicked off with the Casa De Leche Tourney of <\/span>44<\/b>. Monthly games followed like \u201cThe Fall of <\/span>Owatonna<\/b>\u201d, \u201cThe <\/span>Conclusion<\/b>\u201d, \u201cMusical <\/span>Disarray<\/b>\u201d and \u201cPower <\/span>Necks<\/b>\u201d where points are accumulated to crown a champion <\/span>Actuary<\/b> of the <\/span>Mittens<\/b> style.<\/span><\/p>\n Anonymous Survivor XIV is still running, so I can\u2019t really say much about that. We could talk about the delightful made up names, but even more interesting are the ones that didn\u2019t make the cut. \u201c<\/span>Claims Technician<\/b> <\/b>of<\/span> <\/b>Grandview Elementary<\/b>\u201d, \u201cA Really <\/span>Germanic Peacock\u201d<\/b> or \u201c<\/span>John Q. Public<\/b> the <\/span>Eater\u201d<\/b>.<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s been a wintergreen<\/b> year and I can\u2019t wait to see what the new one brings. You all make it entertaining and I thank you
\nIt\u2019s so Spooky<\/b>,
\nNow we want to obfuscate<\/b> all day.
\nGOOOOOOOOOO THE PHILLY PHANATIC!<\/b>\u201d<\/p>\n