You want more results?

boggle

Adobery: You want more results?

Kelly: I think I’m entitled to them.

Adobery: You want more results?

Kelly: I want the Boggle results!

Adobery: Novak can’t handle the Boggle results! Son, we live in a world that has spreadsheets. And those spreadsheets have to be formulated, cross-referenced, and merged. Who’s gonna do it? You? Probably. You, Brooks? Well, Brooks would too, but that’s beside the point. I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for scores and you curse the game show host. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that withholding the results for nearly a year, while tragically forgotten by most, probably saved embarrassment. And my existence, while admirable and incomprehensibly sexy to you, saves people from embarrassment…You don’t want the results. Because deep down, in places you talk about freely at parties after tossing a few, you want me on that spreadsheet. You need me on that spreadsheet.

We use words like cells, sorting, conditional formatting…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent calculating trivial free-time activities. You use ’em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very data I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you load Google docs and circular reference yourself. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

Kelly: Did you just parody one of the most over-quoted scenes in the history of movies?

Adobery: (quietly) I tabulated the scores you threatened me about getting done.

Kelly: Did you parody?

Adobery: You’re goddamn right I did!!

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By now a lot of you probably don’t even recall who made the finals or the ins and outs of the game. The finalists might not remember how they performed or even that they were finalists. I am sorry about that.

Last February some idiot kid made a left on red right in front of my car, totaling it. My wife got hired for a full-time position in addition to her part-time work. So it was April by the time things settled down a tad and I got the finalists their last round. Then by the time they found time to do those live with me, Little League baseball was in full swing and there was no time for the grand production I had planned. Baseball ended by July but too much time had passed for me to care enough anymore to put the energy into it with what free time I did have.

It would have been neat. I had recorded the finalists doing their boards, and I was going to merge them side by side into one video file and have a viewing of the recorded finale. Oh well.

Without further delay, here are the Boggle results. We’ll start with the loser’s bracket and finish with the winner’s bracket. Scroll ever so slowly to enhance the drama.

Player Will Michael
Board 1
Standard 0 1 62-75
Longest 1 0 1(2) – 1
Blackout 0 1
Board 2
Standard 0 1 61-102
Adjective 1 0 3-0
Ends With 0 1 3-11
Board 3
Standard 0 1 55-74
5-letter 0 1 1-9
Horz/Vert 0 1 2-6
Total 2 7
Player Spooky Novak
Board 1
Standard 1 0 59-57
Longest 0 1 6-7
Blackout 1 0
Board 2
Standard 1 0 89-64
Adjective 0 1 3-4
Ends With 0 1 5-10
Board 3
Standard 1 0 90-56
5-letter 1 0 11-10
Horz/Vert 0 1 7-10
Total 5 4

There you have it. Kelly takes down the winner’s bracket and Michael gets the Loser’s bracket. I don’t recall how many points that earns them..another 5?

After all that worrying over being embarrassed, Novak made it as close as can be. One more five letter word in round one and he takes this. “Rags!” curses Novak under his breath.

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  1. Mbnovak’s avatar

    Being not embarrassed is the best outcome I could have hoped for! Thanks Ry! And that’s the best parody of that scene I’ve ever seen.

    Reply

    1. spookymilk’s avatar

      I do get a little preoccupied with the standard scoring.

      Reply

  2. AMR’s avatar

    If we’re complaining about long-oustanding contests, I believe there was a “highest bidder” grudge match between Adobery and I in November 2013 which was never scored.

    Reply

    1. spookymilk’s avatar

      Yeaaaaahhhhh, that. I put that off because I got a bunch of bids but not everyone was clear about who they were facing. I still have those. Hmm.

      Reply

      1. Mbnovak’s avatar

        I was facing Pete. And I won. I assume.

        Reply

        1. nibbish’s avatar

          Did I even play that?

          Reply

          1. mbnovak’s avatar

            You lost. I assume.

          2. nibbish’s avatar

            I’m forced to assume that you’re correct.

  3. Zee German’s avatar

    Sooooo….these adobery contests tend to be Christmas gifts that last the whole year through?

    Reply

    1. adobery’s avatar

      Not much unlike unprotected sex with Spooky.

      Reply

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