Happy Year’s End everyone!
It’s been another fun-filled one at the Casa de Leche and it seems it should be recapped in some fashion so we can truly appreciate it. Now I’ve been very busy shaking poop and did not have time to do something as intricate as last year. It may turn out lame, but I had to do SOMETHING.
“But Ryan,” you all say, “you’re months behind on reading writing entries. You didn’t follow Big Brother at all. You didn’t play in most of the Werewolf games. You’re a hack of a writer. What makes you think you’re qualified to do a rundown of this year’s events at the CdL?”
Well, I’m not. That’s why you all helped to recap for me. You may have already figured it out, but those words I requested weren’t for the upcoming Cutthroat Junction gameshow. Let’s do this Mad Libs style!
The year began with Sarah “Cassowary Appendix” Johnson, now wife of John “Emu Gluteus” Wreisner, winning her second Play with the Prose title over Ian Pratt. It was a grueling season of all Fiction 58s, with themes like “Tattoo an Illusionist”, “Tumultuous Dinosaur Nougat”, and “Lactating Apples”. Let’s ask the champion what her favorite submission was and just where the hell my brownies are at. Sarah?
“It’s hard to choose a favorite, but probably the one that was set in a St. Louis with Noxious Limnologists. About the brownies…I did make them and it made sense to give them to you, but I gave them to Brooks instead as I felt he deserved them as he was there from the moment I picked up the ingredients at the grocery store.”
I understand. Moving on. Also carrying over from 2012, the year of the Novak, was Survivor All-Stars. We had Sausage Fest and Nefarious Porpoises; two teams riddled with talent and chlamydia. Such intriguing names. Were these the first team names you came up with? You don’t need to raise your hand, go ahead. What’s that? Don’t be shy, Rusty, you have the floor, speak up.
“Well, first someone suggested The Delightful Otters, then another teammate thought Bastille Rectifies Hearts would be perfect, but I told them no. I am a glowing fellow and found them to be quite effervescent for my tastes. Thank you.”
Interesting. Not as interesting as two of the most interesting Survivors being eliminated first. What’s up with that?
“Total Duck-billed Platypus tears if you ask me. Just because a guy is so cunning he can talk you into moistening your brother-in-law with a dinosaur if he wanted, that’s a reason not to trust him again?”
Uh, thanks, Novak. What about you, Geoff?
“It’s cool. It’s just a game. Any one of them know I could jump their toes raw whenever I wanted to. In the game. In the game. I was speaking figuratively.”
Of course. There were several interesting strategic games in this edition, but none more entertaining than “Elephants on a Dirigible” and “George Clooney’s Exploding Maple Syrup”. And what about that finale with The Norwegian Standoff when the eventual champion Andy Rustleund contemptuously spoke those words we’ll never forget while gunning down Jason Harber… “Go ahead, poop my tocsin”.
A new game was introduced to CdL by our resident puzzle master Matthew Gilman called “Mealy Thinking”. These were quite challenging, and it’s no wonder as the man has an insane IQ of a googol, a number only exceeded by the number of ligers he’s “stuffed”. Let’s get a sample of one of these puzzles.
A man is in bed for the night. He’s feeble, but he’s too disturbed to chastise. Soon, he gets up and calls a phone number he’s never dialed before. As soon as someone picks up and says “Jesus wept,” he hangs up. He then goes back to bed and chastises immediately, not slapping until the next morning.
We are still all not sure why the correct answer was, “He was a minister who sold hammer insurance on the side”, but that’s why Gilman is the genius.
Possibly the biggest draw of the entire year was the CdLWF’s Royal Rumble. This event pulled in CdLers from all points in its sanctimonious history, even my mother who hasn’t wrestled since 1982 when she went by the moniker of Colleen the Verbose Telly Monster. Round after round resulted in broken elbows, twisted pituitary glands and just an overall regrettable mess. Eventually one mighty soul was left standing, Ron Lyle Commissioner Goofypants, who we all know outside the ring as Greg Johnson.
There were several more iterations of Werewolf run this year, a couple of them Casa de Leche themed. We all enjoy the silliness of these games, especially when there are one day afflictions where you must act like somebody else. I think I speak for everyone when I say the best was easily Will’s impersonation of TDO when he talked with a Tanzanian accent and ranted on and on about prostate cancer.
Another common theme among the werewolf games was that Melissa David was just about always a wolf. It was quite obvious though, as she didn’t read the directions and thought she could shake villagers during the day and overcome them at night, all the while goading them with phrases like, “Doh! I’m an orange wolf and I’m going to resist you until there’s nothing left of you but your brow!”.
Another first at CdL was Big Brother run by our boiling mod, Dan Kautz. As I’ve said, I didn’t follow any of this so we’ll just let the champion, Brooks “Gone with the Blimp” Maki tell us a little bit about it. Brooks?
“Hey, Adobe. It was pretty much like the actual show, only someone much steamier like me was running things. I formed a strong secret alliance early on, which we called The Seventeen Razorbackmen of the Kentucky Derby. I also had a couple of showmances with Melissa and Annette who were alternative in bed.”
Wasn’t your wife upset with you for that?
“Nah. It was all just part of the game. Besides, she understands a man as gorgeous as myself can’t be tied down to just eleven women. Anyhoo, the key point in the game came when I won the last HoH by memorizing salty statements while running around in a sexy spider suit for 3.14 hours straight. That was crazy! It was a fun competition, although I’m very glad I don’t have to eat sea cucumberbutter sandwiches for weeks on end anymore. Disgusting stuff.”
Thank you for the recap, Brooks.
Our obstinate CdL moderator, Kelly, took to the mike this year, broadcasting numerous podcasts. If you missed these bland interviews, be sure to check out the one with bhiggum, who confessed he likes to sleep to The Mr. T Experience while playing. Kelly didn’t just give interviews, he even was interviewed himself. We found out he likes to rap and goes by the stage name of Swanky Muskrat while hitting the clubs. What was really shocking was when he told us he had been secretly accepting fringe benefits as bribes in return for judging favors all these years.
A third Play with the Prose was run, with the troublesome Colin Wooston claiming the title. I’ve been touched by several of his stories in the past, but his finale entry about a funeral for two hippopotamuses that died while trying to spill a ballast made me totally lose it. So sad.
Survivor XIII was the first writing version in a long while and boy…make that girl, was it a good one. With challenges like “Choose Your Own Fern”, “Suck/Blow” and “Machine of Marshall” how could it not produce some excellent entries. What really made it great, was that rather than the typical sausage fest, we had an all girl top 6 of Melissa Diamond, Sarah Wreisner, Margaret Martin, Shawn Ashley, Sarah Bizek, and Bret Highum.
How did it feel to win Survivor XIII, Beezy?
“First of all, I felt honored to have won it against a competitor as Wondrous as Shawn Ashley. She’s always been a claustrophobic friend and she gives the greatest roundhouse kicks to boot. I felt perturbed. I always believed in myself, it’s just none of the FUCKWAD FUNGDARK PERFUNCTORY WRENCH BLOODY rest of yous have ever believed in me! Ahem. I meant it was a blast.”
The CdL Hall of Fame was erected this year, where all honorees have their image enshrined in a bust made out of Naan.
Not everything exciting that happened this year was game related. We have had a number of births in the CdL family. My brother, Beau and his wife Lois Lane gave birth to my cute little nephew, Henry. Christina Pepper had a baby boy too. Care to tell us about it, Christina?
“He is vacuous,
It’s so Spooky,
Now we want to obfuscate all day.
GOOOOOOOOOO THE PHILLY PHANATIC!”
Hmmm, thanks, Christina. The Wreisners also brought forth their spawn into the world. Word is the kid has already dictated 3.14159 stories to mommy about a janitor who yodels propellers. It wasn’t just people we gave birth to around here. There was the birth of Cutthroat Junction, which kicked off with the Casa De Leche Tourney of 44. Monthly games followed like “The Fall of Owatonna”, “The Conclusion”, “Musical Disarray” and “Power Necks” where points are accumulated to crown a champion Actuary of the Mittens style.
Anonymous Survivor XIV is still running, so I can’t really say much about that. We could talk about the delightful made up names, but even more interesting are the ones that didn’t make the cut. “Claims Technician of Grandview Elementary”, “A Really Germanic Peacock” or “John Q. Public the Eater”.
It’s been a wintergreen year and I can’t wait to see what the new one brings. You all make it entertaining and I thank you Krauts from the bottom of my uvula. Thank you!